Thursday 15th May 2008 – Why must AJ's bullshit have to filter into my life?...

The last few days have seen me trying to lift AJ's mood and after trying for I dunno like 40 odd hours I have decided that this is just too damn hard and I am drained to the point of no return. Quite frankly I don't need, crave nor want HIS drama, as I can assure you I have enough of my own to deal with!

AJ and I go way back and we dated on and off (more off than on) from 2002 until around about September last year when I realized that he was extremely high maintenance and someone whom I love dearly but am not in love with.  We are very in tune with one another and the banter and the fun we have is great but anything beyond that just aint for me. AJ is just another frog that cannot understand my personal belief system of "I don't do relationships anymore" and AJ is the man who bulldozes his way into my life, sucks the energy out of me and leaves me scratching my head and asking myself WHY?

One thing I need to add, I am not a lesbian as a lot of people have been emailing me asking if I am.  I love the penis, I love the men and if I was a lesbian let me tell you how much easier and less complicated my life would be!  I also would not be in the closet I would be out and I would be proud.

I digress, as you may have read in Friday’s entry, AJ’s Frenchie nubile 20 year now ex-girlfriend was sprung cheating on him and last Friday he rings me to pour his heart out to me.  My initial responses were: I don't want to know, I really don't care & why are you bothering me?  Nearly 4 days later after I shot AJ down and told him that Frenchie was 20 and he was 40 – there’s your problem, karma was a bitch who whipped his heart and he had to be a big boy and deal with it.  I was sadistic, mean and down right cruel initially and told him that this was what I felt like when he fucked around on me the first time we were dating and I hope his "hurt" burns him. 

I think my reaction and responses freaked him out as he has only ever seen and heard me go off on him one other time before and that was the first time we ever split up.  That was the day I turned purple out of anger and I will never forget the day.  He rang me at work to tell me that he had taken another girl to the snow when we were DATING. He mentioned to me in passing "hey I took a girl that I had the hots for to Mt. Buller snowboarding but nothing happened as she wasn’t into me like I was into her, but hey wanna do something tonight and geez I’ve missed you so much this past weekend?"  

I kicked his arse to the curb and I remember screaming at the top of my voice "Go and fuck yourself you motherfucker, don't ever ring me, don't come near me, I never ever want to see your face again" I kept to my guns at that time and every time he contacted me I used to make myself unavailable to him or kept him waiting on hold on the phone so long that he would hang up. 

Throughout the years AJ has drifted in and out of my life whenever HE has wanted to, whenever HE was bored, whenever HE felt like contacting me, whenever HE needed me to sort out his problems and being the forgiving piece of shit that I am I would always take the time out of my busy life to have a cup of coffee with him, listen to him, console him and try and guide him down what I believed to be the right path.  I don’t understand why a MAN can’t get a grip on his life's bullshit and problems and deal with them. 

Each and every time we would reconnect he would tell me the same thing over and over again:  "I fucked you around Reney but I still love you to this day. I’m sorry for what I did to you.  You are the coolest chick I know, you are so relaxed and you don’t nag, and I wish we were still together" Do I buy this shit? Ahhh how's a NO.  I would humor him though as deep down when you strip the bullshit factor away (yes we all have bullshit factors) he does indeed have a gorgeous heart and is a lovely person, but when it comes to me and how he treats me he is a fucking rabies infected dog. 

Which brings me to this, I believe that every single one of us can be and are monsters and angels. There is good and bad in all of us. It's just that he and I together = catastrophe. AJ has the ability to bring out Angry Reney.  He makes me so angry the bulk of the time (and I am angry on my own without any encouragement thank you very much) that every time I speak to him I want to grab a 3 x3 piece of plywood and work him over.  I hate violence I really do but he aggravates me so much.  Sometimes I think he is a lot like Feminine Itch.  You know how when you get itchy down there you scratch and scratch and it’s aggravating, well that’s what AJ is like an annoying smelly scratch.

So the past few days AJ has been ringing me and whining about his hurt and broken heart and I was initially feeling rather sorry for him but now I just want to tell him to please go away and leave me alone.  In my eyes if someone cheats on you as he did to me, as Frenchie did to him, it means a lot of things.  Mainly, now tell me if I am wrong here, but my beliefs have always been that if someone cheats on you its because they are not getting what they want out of the relationship. 

As a woman, and I can only speak from the female perspective, women cheat not necessarily for the same reasons as men do.  Yes maybe what I am about to say is rather stereotypical but when I think about the frogs that have cheated on me I come up with the same conclusion and that is men like to chase pussy, they love the thrill of the chase and they tend to be motivated by sex, by new sex, by more sex, by different sex.  I read an amazing article that stated that men actually crave the early and intoxicating phase of infatuation in a relationship.   Which just reiterates in my mind that most men are really weak pussies.

I have spent the majority of my free time researching why women cheat and everything I found indicated the following 10 reasons.   I personally can actually relate and understand why a woman would cheat.  Not saying that cheating is a good thing I am just saying I get it. 

1- Revenge for his cheating

2- An exit strategy

3- Bedroom boredom

4- Emotional withdrawal

5- Feeling neglected or unappreciated

6- Revenge or payback for wrongdoings

7- Lack of intimacy

8- Self esteem issues

9- Being the "Bad Girl"

10- Not enough sex.

So there you go!

That said, I sat AJ down and told him all of the above but sadly, and when I say sadly I don't mean sadly for me as I really couldn't give a flying shit, but sadly for AJ he isn't hearing me (why do men block out the truth?) 

I almost feel like all he wants from me is sympathy and wants me to pick up his pieces and make HIM feel good about himself.  I need to ask once again, but why do mean block out the truth?  I don’t do the ohh baby and ahh baby shit, come here pudding and let me wipe those little tears away.  I say it the way I see it and if you know the type of character that I am then you will know that if you are going to ask me my opinion be prepared for my onslaught.  If that’s not what you want to hear then DON’T tell me your problems or ask for my opinion!!!

What has amazed me about these last few days is that I have noticed the men in my social circle actually need a woman to feel complete.  Which surprises me.  Are we women, becoming the more dominant, controlling aggressors in relationships?  I was observing AJ and his heartache is more than a pride thing that a girl cheated on him, and more than love lost but it is seriously AJ not coping without a woman by his side.  Totally bizarre!  

AJ, I feel wants me to really pick up the pieces but the thing is this time around I physically and emotionally cannot do it.  I have come to the realization that I need and I must look after myself FIRST.

Enough babble from me!

Reney