Sunday 18th May 2008 – I’d like you to meet Tabitha & Sabrina…

I don’t have a good relationship with my ovaries and I want to part with them. My ovaries are satanic bitches so with that I’d like you to meet Tabitha & Sabrina.  These two bitches can scare any man, fuck they even scare me! 

Tabitha & Sabrina are daughters of Aunt Mable and just as much as a bitch Aunt Mable is Tabitha and Sabrina are the evil twins who torment me each and every month.

Let me tell you about Tabitha.  Tabitha is my left ovary and she is the one that causes me the most amount grief.  Tabitha has the ability of turning me into Psycho Bitch Reney.  Tabitha is the sarcastic, bitter, evil, twisted one that has me wanting to hurt people especially men when she comes visiting. 

Sabrina is my right ovary and one that turns me into soft mush and causes me to cry at the most inappropriate times and things.  When Sabrina is over I have this need to carry around tissues as the smallest thing sends me right off. I’m not talking about being teary I’m talking about full on boohoo!

The grief these bitches cause me are a right royal pain in the arse, along with the above shit I also suffer from things like: cramps, bloating, poor diet, ovulation pain, irritability, hormone changes, muscle contractions, haemorrhaging, mood swings, tears, constipation, breast tenderness, breast swelling, itchy boobs, stress, anxiety, aggression, depression, food cravings (and let me add I have the most freakiest of freakiest cravings, things like I want to chew cling wrap), insomnia and I already have trouble sleeping but add that to the mix and I’m even more fucked up, headaches, zits popping up all over my face, joint and muscle pain, lack of attention span, no concentration, one minute I am throwing layers of clothes on as I’m freezing and then I’m stripping all the layers off as I am boiling hot.

So hey fellas, you think you guys have got it bad?  Which leaves me thinking and asking, so what’s the worst thing a guy has to physically endure?  The only thing I have come up with is this:  taking a piss with a stiffy and walking around with a stiffy.  (A stiffy is an erection).

Yeah, yeah, I hear you I’m vulgar and I’m crass but what I’m saying aint bullshit or an exaggeration of the truth, right?  We women have it bad and its not like its once or twice a year its each and every fucking month.  I think we, as women are courageous as we haemorrhage each and every month and add all the other shit that we have to endure.  Now don’t get me wrong I don’t hate men because they don’t get their periods I just wish that they could go through it just once in their lifetime.  I don’t think I am asking for much but I know that what I'm asking for will never happen.

It amazes me that 2 tiny little girlie bits that apparently only measure 3cm x 1.5cm x 1.5cm have the capability to fuck with me and make we want to scream and sound like Bjork.

If I were God for one day I would love to pull my ovaries out and make George Bush eat them raw! I wonder what they would taste like.  Would it be like chicken or fish?

Okay, there’s my rant for the day!  My hot water bottle is ready to be reheated so with that I bid you all farewell!

Reney