Monday 19th May 2008 – I just need some coffee…

I am a creature of habit.  It’s not a good thing and I guess I am almost Rainman like.  I need things done a certain way and if things don’t go to plan then I usually start to get angry, flustered and stressed out.  Okay, okay I’m a stress head and I will probably die by the time I’m 50 out of stressing out so much, but what will be will be.

I am used to my habits and don’t cope well when things don’t go accordingly.  My idiosyncrasies are probably very strange like to anyone looking in but to me they are just a major part of who I am.  I make no apologies for who and what I am.  I am what I am. I at least can see what and who I am and have no problem ridiculing myself either. (hee hee)

So what the hell are you trying to get at Reney? And what has all this babble got to do with wanting a cup of coffee?  Keep reading…

My morning “protocol” is this: the alarm screams at me, I open my right eye first and then the left, yawn, stretch and then grab my eyes.  By that I mean I search for my glasses as I am sooo blind.  I then waddle towards the bathroom where I switch the GHD (hair straightener) on and then make my way to the loo to leave my morning deposit, then waddle to the kitchen where I have a glass of water and then turn around and switch my coffee machine on.  This has been my routine for gawd I dunno 20 years.

So having said all that and explained myself to not only myself but most likely to you all too it just makes perfect sense that I am indeed a fucking fruitcake. I'm stating the obvious right?  Come on agree with me, its okay, I can handle it.

So like any other day, I awoke this morning and did all the above-mentioned things BUT today did not go to plan.  I walked towards my coffee machine, hit the on button and hear a POP and then hear the safety switch go BING! All I could do was let out this primitive scream and then a NOOOOOOOO!!!  Followed by verbal diarrhoea spewing out of my mouth.  It was devastation in The Reney Household. 

I decided that I would go outside and reactivate the safety switch.  I was feeling confident, as I had endured my father’s rather intense class on the reactivation of the safety switch a few months back.  This was going to be easy, all I had to do was hit the button and she’d be right mate!  Wrong! So what did I do?  Well, I don’t really know what I did all I know is that I flicked some sort of switch and then my home alarm/security alarm went off.  I can now understand why all my neighbours hate me so much.  It ALL makes sense to me…now. (I always trigger my alarm off at the most ungodly hours)

I then talked my way through the entire reactivation of safety switch and decided that process of elimination was the way to go so I flicked everything on and off and viola all was preachy.  Walked back indoors and attempted for a second time to make the blasted coffee machine work and then POP BING, here we go again.  Is this Groundhog Day?  If so where is the talented Bill Murray?

I gave up and decided that I needed to get ready for work.  No caffeine in my system by 7am what happens?  I stubbed my toe, I slipped, I stepped on Elvis, I ripped my tights, I cooked a bit of my ear on the GHD (shit, how BAD does your own cooking flesh smell?) I sprayed perfume in my mouth; I brushed my teeth so vigorously that I ended up heaving as I hit my gag reflex. (Don’t stress my friends when it comes to the act of fellatio – Reney don’t gag) Now none of this would have happened if I just had a cup of coffee, not even a cup, maybe 3 sips of my mandatory 4 shot latte and I would have been fine.

Alas, I, the trooper that I am decided that where there is a will there is away, so I jumped in Black Bertha and drove to one of my local cafes.  Okay, so I ran a few red lights, but what’s a girl to do when she needs caffeine? 

I parked Black Bertha, ran into the café and this was how it went:

CoffeeDick:  Good morning.

R: Hmmm, yeah, good morning

CoffeeDick: What would you like today love?

Cut to me thinking: Stop being so nice arsehole and make me a fucking strong coffee and make it snappy you ugly shit.  But instead I smiled and asked for: 

R: May I please have 2 large take away lattes and buddy would you be so kind as to make one of those lattes really strong?  I really like 4 shots in it and I will pay extra, in fact you could charge me double today and I wouldn’t mind. (By this stage I, internally am bleeding and having the worst possible cardiac problems as I really need my coffee but my exterior I thought I was polite, nice and funny)

CoffeeDick: Ohhh someone needs their coffee today don’t they?

R: Yes bud, I do.  By the way I’m sorry for sounding rather anal and pedantic but would you be so kind to heat the milk to 160 degrees please?

CoffeeDick: Ohhh a coffee connoisseur I see

R: No, not a connoisseur as such but I just like my coffee really strong and really hot.

So CoffeeDick hands over my lattes and I sped to work dying, just dying for a sip.  Now what does motherfucker CoffeeDick go and do on me?  He presents me with a weak luke warm cup of shit.  What a great way to start my day!  I was miserable!

The entire day my body was screaming out for caffeine and poor head was pounding.  At work I think I am usually very polite and even though I am angry a lot of the time about... well I dunno... everything, I always try and be extremely professional and respectful at work but sadly due to CoffeeDick (a.k.a I cant make a decent cup of coffee to fucking save myself) just put me in the foulest, filthiest, dirtiest, shitiest mood.

Work was spastic and not enough caffeine in my system I decided that the poor patient on the other end of the telephone was the shit head who was going to cop an earful of my angst.  Hot damn I felt so better afterwards, but now a few many hours after the fact I feel like an absolute tosser for being so goddamn rude.

My entire day saw me enduring a very cloudy head and I was literally shaking, as I needed caffeine so come 4pm I did something very sickening.  I decided that I needed a caffeine hit so I discreetly put half a teaspoon of dry cold pressed granulated instant bullshit coffee in my mouth.

Almost instantly I felt a lot better and started to bounce off the walls.  I felt like I had been injected with an adrenalin shot.  Gotta love this feeling.  My lesson today is that I think I have a real problem with caffeine.  So I have to say it out aloud:  My name is Reney and I am an addict.  My addiction is caffeine!

Reney